Tree Hugging... Bad Idea

Well, My Tender Lumplings, my promise to visit with you here more often in this new year was broken long ago. I beg for you forgiveness. I am a bad bad narrator. I have spoken here before that it is not easy to keep up with this and I have promise to do better only to fail. So, now, I make that same promise again knowing that you know that I know that you know that I will fail again. But I really do intend to try. Anywho, with that said let's get down to it.

For those of you who think that Poison Ivy is just a dangerous but tantalizing Femme Fatale from the Batman universe (the portrayal of whom by Uma Thurman was the only bright spot in 1997's Batman and Robin, thus saving it from being another of Joel Schumacher's thinly veiled homo-erotic wet dreams), then I have disturbing news for you. Poison Ivy is a vile, evil weed that grows wild in the forests, roadsides and backyards of this planet. It strikes silently without care of race, religion or socio-economic status. What it does is horrific, painful and ugly. And I, your humble narrator, fell victim to this despicable bit of foliage.

I am happy to report that I have prevailed. It did it's worst and made parts of me disgusting to see. But I have beaten it. And the tree that played host to this evil has been destroyed along with it's horrid hitchhiker. But the experience has only made my distaste for the outdoors that much stronger. So I have determined to reduce the amount of time I have to spend there to the extreme minimum that I can. Unless I am at the beach or near another large body of water, I am going to endeavor to stay firming inside. (I'm not sure what it is about being near water that negates my hatred of being outside. But I find myself very calm and relaxed when near, or even in, the water. Very odd for someone who doesn't swim.)

Some random and disgusting facts about Poison Ivy. All parts of the plant are dangerous. Stems, leaves, roots, everything. If you burn it and inhale the smoke the inside of you lungs will break out. Ouch! Mangoes, which I also don't like, are part of the same plant family. Surely this plant was created by a just, loving and merciful God. Yeah, right.

I bid you farewell for now my Tender Lumplings, with the knowledge that I am fine and will be fine. I'm not crazy, just confused by this world. I'd leave it in a second but you know that story. And who are we kidding, Batman and Robin was terrible in every way shape and form. Utter garbage from start to finish.

My Life As A Dickhead

Well, my Tender Lumplings, I may not have told you this before but I'm not a big fan of New Years as a holiday. It is really just another day to me. Much like the 4th of July or Valentines Day or any number of other lab created holidays. I don't make merry myself at these times and I certainly don't make new years resolutions. I already know I'm not gonna do whatever it is I may say I'll do. Why kid myself.

However, I do sometimes make an informal list of things I'd like to do. And this year that list contains one unusual and possibly attainable goal. I am going to attempt to read nothing but the works of Philip K. Dick this year. I have a considerable collection of his novels and short fiction, some of which I have read, but most of it I have not. So, I will endeavor to work through all of it. Only then can I too be called a true "Dickhead".

Dick is not easy to read. Some of his ideas and thus some of his books are quite the ordeal to get through. Let's face it, the man was not right in the head. And so I may not make it very far in my quest. I may get so freaked out, paranoid or just down right depressed that I have to stop. But I am prepared to do my best. I shall enter this fight with a positive out look and a smile on my face. I'll keep you posted as to my progress.

What other tasks have I set for myself this year? Oh you know the usual stuff: eat better, loose weight, blah blah blah.

Until I see you again my dears.