Wednesday, October 31, 2012

A Dark And Stormy Night: The Death of Johnny Bristol

As he lay there, gasping, expecting each ragged breath to be his last, he couldn't help reflecting on what had brought him to this situation. He knew the guy had been standing behind him.  He knew the fucker was armed.  Of course he was.  But he went ahead and threatened the Monarch anyway.  You don't do that.  Especially when one of his men is standing behind you with a gun.  Idiot.  Now he was dead, well, dying.  It wasn't true, he knew now, what they say about never hearing the shot that kills you.  He heard it.  A loud crack, like a violent period punctuating the sentence he should never have spoken. 

He could hear the Monarch screaming at his guy.  He couldn't move, he could barely breathe now, but his ears were still working perfectly. The fucker was really getting his ass chewed.  The Monarch was not happy that Fucker had shot him.  Not happy at all.  There was a loud bang and then a dull thud.  He tried to force his dying eyes to focus.  There, lying in front of him, no more than a foot from his own face was that of Fucker, one eye staring straight at him.  The other eye gone, blown away by the bullet.  The Monarch was really not happy. 

Then the Monarch's deep voice echoed in his now faltering ear, "Good night, Johnny.  We almost had something beautiful."

He shut his eyes, all sound faded, his breathing stopped and for a second there was silence and peace and then there was nothing. 

If I Had A Hammer...

Something has been bothering me of late, my Tender Lumplings, and I don’t know if writing about it will help or not but it seems that is what I’m going to do. I do believe that these times we have spent together here have done me good and I hope you have enjoyed them as well. There have been moments of mirth and mayhem and boredom to be sure but overall I think this is a good thing, this so called blog. Even if it soon is over, if the Mayans are to be believed, then I hope it was time well spent. (Although I have to confess I think we are in for another false alarm. The Mayans are going to pull a major “Camping” on us.) In the meantime let us get on with today’s business.


I was working on a rather large project the other day and had a sort of revelation. The project was a fence I have been building around my backyard for some time now. A project that has been going on far too long but that is another blog in itself. While working, I realized something: I have no idea how to build a fence. I have had no training, no instruction what so ever. I was just putting up boards and screwing them together. This sort of seat-of-the-pants work model reminded me of something.

Years ago there was a TV show called M*A*S*H, you may have heard of it. It was about a bunch of doctors at an army hospital near the front lines during wartime. They always said what they did was “meatball surgery”, it wasn’t pretty, but it was effective. They did what they had to in order to save the person’s life. So I decided what I had been doing there in the backyard was “meatball carpentry”. It isn’t pretty but it works. It’s still standing and it blocks the perimeter of the property.

Then I thought about this further and I think I may have been living my whole life that way. I’ve never really done anything right, I have half-assed everything. I slept-walked through high school and college, getting by with the minimum effort required. My work career has been spent playing it safe most of the time. I start projects and make plans that are rarely ever finished or fulfilled. So for the past forty some odd years I have been living a “meatball life”. Making it up as I go and getting by with just a slapdash and improvised system to keep it all rolling. I don’t think things through. I don’t consider what it will take to complete the task I have set for myself. Basically, I’m a hack.

So now I’m supposed to give the big speech: “From this day on I will finish what I start. I will dedicate myself 110% to my plans and projects and not rest until they are complete. I will…blah blah blah.” No I won’t. I won’t do any of that. I can’t change now, not this far into the show. Why lie to myself and everyone else? Better to be honest and say I won’t really change.

However I will make one statement, not a promise, just a statement: I’ll try to do better. That is all I can say, I’ll try to do better. I am going to focus on the four projects I currently have going that have already taken too much of my time and money to abandon. I have long since given up on a lot of things. I will never write that book. I admit I’m not a good enough artist to ever paint that masterpiece. I will never write and direct a great film. But I will try to finish up these four projects and then we will see what happens.

I’m just a guy trying to get through this. I’m not perfect, not even close. But I’m trying, Dearies, and maybe, sometime, I’ll get something right.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I Hold These Truths...

I was reminded of something this morning while walking my dog. We were standing there in the yard, neither of us fully awake yet, and I was waiting on her while she was looking for just the right spot. That, my Tender Lumplings, is when two things became evident to me: yawns are contagious and everyone has to pee when they first get up in the morning. These two truths are part of what I call the Great Equalizers, a group of things that are true of everyone. Whether you are rich or poor, black, white, green, whatever, these few things bind us all together as animals on earth. From the Pope, to a supermodel, to your garbage man (waste re-location engineer), we all, everyone, eat, sleep, and make #1 and #2. If you don't do these things then you are either dead or about to be. Some other equalizers include the yawning thing, which crosses species, and the morning pee thing and a few others. The thing is, not that we all do these things, but what it means that we all do these things.


Without getting to graphic, think about this: everyone goes to the bathroom every day. Everyone. Whether it is you or some celebrity or politician or whoever, when you are sitting there you are just like everyone else and no one is any better than anyone else. And that is true. Some may try and argue about that but when you think about it, it is true. End of story. Every animal on the planet knows this. Krishna, Buddha, and Jesus, when they walked the surface of this spinning mud ball as real, living men, they had to do the same things we all do do. There are other common threads that bind us together of course. We all need oxygen and water, stuff like that, but if you are looking for the most basic, lowest common denominator, we know what it really is. Just like the bumper sticker says, "Shit Happens".

What I'm really getting at is this: when you get right down to it we are all the same. We may be different colors and speak different languages and believe different things but we are all the same. We have this one Earth to live on (for now) and we should stop all the bickering and complaining and just realize that. Quit trying to kill each other over stupid things. Unless everything goes pop in December, it is going to be 2013 in a few months. When I was a kid I could barely even imagine living in the 2000's. But when I did I didn't think we would still be such a petty, stupid species.

Until we meet again my Dearies...

Monday, October 1, 2012

For The Record


Well, my Tender Lumplings, we meet again here in the murky backwaters of cyberspace, my little corner of the web that houses all my blackest dreams and most dangerous ideas.  I have brought you to this vile place to have a little talk.  We shall speak of the past and the present and all the possible futures.  We will speak of dreams and nightmares and visions seen during the waking brightness of daylight.  Landscapes and vistas never before witnessed by human eyes and the depth of the oceans will be ours for exploring.  And all the stars of the sky will be scrutinized by our all-seeing imaginations.  

So now I would like to begin a new series of posts which contain completely fictional content.  It may be stories, parables, satire or surrealism.  It could be rhymes & reasons, poems, prayers and promises.  Science Fiction, Fantasy, or historical romance, but I doubt that last one will appear often.  I may even take the real world and twist it to my own evil devices.  That really sounds like fun.  

But fear not my Dearies, I have not abandoned my usual rants and observations.  These new posts will be scattered among the regular lunatical ravings you have come to know and tolerate.  To help you distinguish the new stuff from the regular, all the new fictional posts will have the same title: A Dark And Stormy Night, and then some sort of subtitle fitting that particular post.  Expect the first entry soon.  You have been warned.  

Now on to current business.  
When you are really into music and you read about music, they always talk about "important" albums.  Those records that have become famous for being innovative, revolutionary, cutting edge or otherwise groundbreaking.  It may be the songs are a mirror of the times or the production is like nothing heard before.  And when they talk about these albums the same ones are mentioned over and over.  The Beatles Sgt. Peppers, The Beach Boys Pet Sounds, Bitches Brew by Miles Davis are always on the list.  Others include:  What's Going On by Marvin Gaye; Public Enemy's It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back and whatever record it was when Bob Dylan went electric.  Now, for the most part I agree with all these and most of the others they talk about ( I admit I never saw the appeal of Pet Sounds,  it may be a marvel of studio production but at the end of the day it is still just surfer songs). 

I thought I might take a moment and walk you through what I feel are the top five most important albums in regards to the shaping of my musical tastes and influences.  I doubt any of these will make the official lists of "important" albums but they are great recordings and mean a lot to me.  So here they are in no real order. 

The Police - Ghost in the Machine
The Police were my favorite band and all because of the songs on this album.  Sting's songwriting and voice hook you from the start.  Andy Summers and Stuart Copeland are at their best. WHAT I LEARNED:  The record taught me that a three minute pop song can be art.  I learned here that a drummer doesn't just keep a beat.  I have loved complex and "busy" drumming ever since.

E.L.O. - A New World Record
The first time I heard the song "Living Thing" I admit it scared the shit out of me.  This album came out in 1976, I was 7 and probably not their target demographic.  But I was hooked.  WHAT I LEARNED:  Vocal harmony.  Pure and simple.  Jeff Lynne uses richly harmonies lead and backing vocals like other artist use paints.  

Peter Gabriel - SO
My first Peter Gabriel album.  I bought it because "Sledgehammer" was such a catchy hit.  But then I put the tape (yeah, I know) in and "Red Rain" played.  I was mesmerized.  I knew then that Gabriel is a genius, which he proved even further with his next records US and UP.  WHAT I LEARNED:  The rhythms were so foreign and layered so deep.  The songs were so beautiful and powerful at the same time.  

Oingo Boingo - Deadman's Party
I was watching this movie called Weird Science and really loved the theme song.  The credits said it was by a band with one of the dumbest names I had ever heard.  I bought the album and found what I had been looking for musically my whole life.  To this day they are my favorite band and Danny Elfman is a God.  WHAT I LEARNED:  Basically, musically, anything goes.  Here were catchy, poppy, even danceable songs with lyrics about death.  And a horn section that just cuts through the mix and floors you.  And again with those crazy complex rhythms.  

The Grapes of Wrath - Treehouse 
It's hard to pinpoint what is so great about this record because there is so much that is perfect about it.  It is just beautiful.  The songs here seem to float in space above regular songs.  They are light and airy but still bursting with emotion and power.  WHAT I LEARNED:  I know, because of this album, what a really finely crafted song is.  The music is not over done and the lyrics express the emotion of the song with out being overly metaphoric or simplistic.  It is simply perfection, as are all the Grapes albums.  

Others to check out:
The Fixx - Phantoms
Killing Joke - Night Time
Spock's Beard -V
Yes - Drama
Tonic - Lemon Parade
Toad The Wet Sprocket - Pale
Eric Johnson - Ah Via Musicom
Dada - Puzzle
Talking Heads Naked

I could go on and on but I won't.  If you can, check out some of this stuff.  If you can't find some of it just let me know and I will smuggle you the essentials.  Until next time my Tender Lumplings….