It was a bright spring day in early April, oddly warm for a part of the country where winter usually keeps a firm grip on the landscape well into May. The flowers in the garden were taking full advantage of the anomalous weather and had begun to bloom. Reds and yellows cascaded over the rough rock walls that lined the walkway from the main house down to the many levels of the tiered patios. Even the myriad small creatures that lived in the woods just beyond the lawns had started to peek from their slumbering holes and began to frolic in the warm morning sun.
The sun rose toward the summit of the sky and the heat increased. Children appeared and the expansive lawn became a medieval field of games. There were great jousting tournaments with broomsticks as steeds and lances. The crack of yardstick swords floated across the grass as mighty duals were fought. The air was filled with cries of victory and celebratory laughter until the afternoon grew too hot and the competitors retired to the house for lemonade and to revel in the days events.
Clouds shaded the landscape as the evening approached and the flowers grew weary of sunbathing. They slowly folded their delicate petals into themselves and slumbered. The forest creatures, there bellies now full of nuts and clover, returned to their holes, saying furry prayers to whatever gods they believed in, that tomorrow would come and be as glorious as today. Lights began to glow in the house and soft music played until, hours later, the windows gradually grew dark there too. The warmth of the day evaporated into the cool night, only the soil beneath the grass holding on to a small bit of heat.
Late, when all was quiet, the night creatures came out to hunt.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Watering Your Hard To Reach Plants (Open Letter #1)
OPEN LETTER TO THE INFOMERCIAL VOICE OVER GUY.
I have been watching television for a long time: nearly my entire life and professionally for nearly twenty years now. In all that time one thing, well, many things have been consistant, but the one I am talking about now is the voice of the guy who reads the phone number at the end of an infomercial. It has been the same voice for as long as I can remember. Who is this guy? How has he cornered the market on infomercial voice over for, Christ, more years than I can imagine. At least thirty-five or forty. I have a few ideas about this.
The first is the obvious: the guy has a great voice, he is very good at what he does and everyone wants to use him for their commercials. If he started in his twenties he would only be sixty or so now and that is not that old. It all makes perfect sense and is completely possible. Boring!
Maybe, the guy is the mastermind behind all infomercial products. He pre-recorded all those bits for the end of the infomercials years ago, making up product names on the spot, and has actually been dead for years. You see the script for the end of those things is always the same. “Call 1-800-###-#### now to order your (insert product) for only $19.99. Act now and receive a second (product name) just pay separate shipping and handling. Have your credit card ready and call 1-800-###-#####. That’s 1-800-###-#####.” Or some variation of that. I think the guy recorded hundreds of these things and then years later someone had to invent a product to fit the name he made up. And then they got the phone company to assign the phone number the dude made up as well. My only proof of this particular scenario is the fact that the voice in question is only ever reading the bit at the end of the commercial. The actual infomercial uses a different voice.
And why is everything $19.99.
Still, who is this guy? I had a theory for a while that it was a man named Danny Breen. He is an actor and comedian that was on Not Necessarily the News, a sketch comedy show on HBO in the 80’s. He has the voice for sure and I haven’t seen him on TV since that show. He could be recording these things in his home, collecting a check and living it up. NNTN was an Americanized version of a BBC show called Not the Nine O’clock News. It had Rowan Atkinson on it. It was very funny but only ran a few years. Two things the American series was not.
I’m sure the first of my theories is the right one. And if you want some really good comments about infomercials, look up the Mitch Hedberg bit about four easy payments. Classic. Take care my Tender Lumplings.
I have been watching television for a long time: nearly my entire life and professionally for nearly twenty years now. In all that time one thing, well, many things have been consistant, but the one I am talking about now is the voice of the guy who reads the phone number at the end of an infomercial. It has been the same voice for as long as I can remember. Who is this guy? How has he cornered the market on infomercial voice over for, Christ, more years than I can imagine. At least thirty-five or forty. I have a few ideas about this.
The first is the obvious: the guy has a great voice, he is very good at what he does and everyone wants to use him for their commercials. If he started in his twenties he would only be sixty or so now and that is not that old. It all makes perfect sense and is completely possible. Boring!
Maybe, the guy is the mastermind behind all infomercial products. He pre-recorded all those bits for the end of the infomercials years ago, making up product names on the spot, and has actually been dead for years. You see the script for the end of those things is always the same. “Call 1-800-###-#### now to order your (insert product) for only $19.99. Act now and receive a second (product name) just pay separate shipping and handling. Have your credit card ready and call 1-800-###-#####. That’s 1-800-###-#####.” Or some variation of that. I think the guy recorded hundreds of these things and then years later someone had to invent a product to fit the name he made up. And then they got the phone company to assign the phone number the dude made up as well. My only proof of this particular scenario is the fact that the voice in question is only ever reading the bit at the end of the commercial. The actual infomercial uses a different voice.
And why is everything $19.99.
Still, who is this guy? I had a theory for a while that it was a man named Danny Breen. He is an actor and comedian that was on Not Necessarily the News, a sketch comedy show on HBO in the 80’s. He has the voice for sure and I haven’t seen him on TV since that show. He could be recording these things in his home, collecting a check and living it up. NNTN was an Americanized version of a BBC show called Not the Nine O’clock News. It had Rowan Atkinson on it. It was very funny but only ran a few years. Two things the American series was not.
I’m sure the first of my theories is the right one. And if you want some really good comments about infomercials, look up the Mitch Hedberg bit about four easy payments. Classic. Take care my Tender Lumplings.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Open Letter letter opener (aka a butter knife)
Well my Tender Lumplings it seems 2013 is well on it's way. January passed without incident and February is upon us. Big things are afoot already for this year, big plans and a couple of little trips already booked. It would seem this is going to be a musical year, at least the first bit of it. Tickets have been bought for concerts and I have already been to one bar to see a couple of bands play. I do so love live music. I would really like to play live myself again sometime and I may. Someday.
I am also in the mood to write again. Not just here for you my dearies, but other things. Maybe I'll attempt it again. I gave it up for a while, figuring nothing would come of it. And nothing did so I guess I was right. But now I may try again. What has me in the mood you ask? Well, I'll tell you. I've been reading a book or two about one of my heroes, one Mr. Kurt Vonnegut. Seems that though he was a great writer he was also a very bad writer. I'll explain.
He spent nearly twenty-five years without a successful career as a writer. From the time he came home from the war, until he published Slaughterhouse Five in 1969, he struggled to support himself and his family with writing. He didn't support them actually. He sold a couple of books that were not big hits. He sold a lot of short stories but they didn't pay very well. He had to take all sorts of other jobs. He even opened a Saab dealership. Not that is desperation if I ever heard it. And he was bad for taking forever to finish stories. So, even though what he wrote was genius, he was not very good at the actual writing part.
And neither am I. I am terrible at making myself write. Even when I want to I find some reason not too. The main reason being I know that when I do make myself write, it sure as heck isn't going to turn out to be a work of genius when it is done. At least Mr. Vonnegut had that to look forward to when his stories were finished (though he probably wouldn't have said his work was genius either, but it was).
One of the books I've been reading is a collection of letters Vonnegut wrote during his life to friends, family and other people. Even some to companies and newspapers. This has gotten me to thinking about this blog and how I can use it.
Now the blog is, in it's own way, a sort of open letter. Anyone can read it and it is usually a way for someone to set forth their ideas and opinions. That is just what I've been doing. And most of my entries have had some sort of theme or topic to each one. But I have never really formally addressed them to anyone. That is about to change. The next few (or maybe several, we'll see how this goes) posts will be address, openly, to someone or something and then I will go about letting everyone know what I think. I may not always be critical of the topic, I may be very supportive. Or I may rip them a new one. Again, we shall see.
So, stay tuned my dear Lumplings for my next post. And if you know anyone in the Hawaiian Pineapple Growers Association, let them know they are in for it. Until then...
I am also in the mood to write again. Not just here for you my dearies, but other things. Maybe I'll attempt it again. I gave it up for a while, figuring nothing would come of it. And nothing did so I guess I was right. But now I may try again. What has me in the mood you ask? Well, I'll tell you. I've been reading a book or two about one of my heroes, one Mr. Kurt Vonnegut. Seems that though he was a great writer he was also a very bad writer. I'll explain.
He spent nearly twenty-five years without a successful career as a writer. From the time he came home from the war, until he published Slaughterhouse Five in 1969, he struggled to support himself and his family with writing. He didn't support them actually. He sold a couple of books that were not big hits. He sold a lot of short stories but they didn't pay very well. He had to take all sorts of other jobs. He even opened a Saab dealership. Not that is desperation if I ever heard it. And he was bad for taking forever to finish stories. So, even though what he wrote was genius, he was not very good at the actual writing part.
And neither am I. I am terrible at making myself write. Even when I want to I find some reason not too. The main reason being I know that when I do make myself write, it sure as heck isn't going to turn out to be a work of genius when it is done. At least Mr. Vonnegut had that to look forward to when his stories were finished (though he probably wouldn't have said his work was genius either, but it was).
One of the books I've been reading is a collection of letters Vonnegut wrote during his life to friends, family and other people. Even some to companies and newspapers. This has gotten me to thinking about this blog and how I can use it.
Now the blog is, in it's own way, a sort of open letter. Anyone can read it and it is usually a way for someone to set forth their ideas and opinions. That is just what I've been doing. And most of my entries have had some sort of theme or topic to each one. But I have never really formally addressed them to anyone. That is about to change. The next few (or maybe several, we'll see how this goes) posts will be address, openly, to someone or something and then I will go about letting everyone know what I think. I may not always be critical of the topic, I may be very supportive. Or I may rip them a new one. Again, we shall see.
So, stay tuned my dear Lumplings for my next post. And if you know anyone in the Hawaiian Pineapple Growers Association, let them know they are in for it. Until then...
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