The Jesus Tree

Well, a lot has happened since we last spoke, my Tender Lumplings. I have been to the heights of mans achievements and felt the bitter sting of defeat. I have been weightless with euphoria and struck motionless by the pain of despair. What could have taken me through such extremes of the human condition? How did I come to experience the aphelion and perihelion of life's orbit? This I cannot answer other than to say it is but the whim of the Gods.

In the last week or so I have successfully repaired my car but broke another bit of it in the process. This other bit I also fixed but only after some time spent pissed about having broken it in the first place. I have spent fairly substantial amounts of money recently and have only a little to show for it. I have been laid low by physical pain that both invigorated and debilitated me.

And the other night while walking my dog I saw a face in the bark of a tree in my backyard. The play of light and shadow upon the rough surface of the giant silver maple took on the form of the human visage. At first I couldn't tell if it was the face of Jesus or the Unibomber. I was really hoping for Jesus, mostly because of the potential for monetary gain. "Come one and all! For the mere price of only five American dollars you can see the amazing Jesus Tree!" T-Shirt sales alone would be unbelievable.

But sadly it was not to be. The face really didn't look like anyone. Just a face with no bottom lip and a lazy eye. Not like the swirling pattern in my bathroom tile that clearly displays the face of Adolf Hitler. Or the snarling ape that looked back at me from the faux burl walnut trim on the dash of my Mom's Delta 88 Olds.

I can't even begin to describe the dreams of late. My slumbering mind has out done itself with the images and themes it has been producing. There was one in which I truly believe I did travel, physically, to another location. If my wife had rolled over at that moment she would have found the left side of the bed empty. Well, there may have been a cat there but not me. I could feel the grass between my fingers. I was there. I had to be. At least in that one it was a nice place to be. I usually wouldn't wish my worst enemy into the places I dream about. I have been dreaming those sort of dream alot lately too. But I'm used to it now. Mostly. But I never know what is coming next.

So now I'll just sit back and wait for that package to arrive. It is going to be fun.

Doo Wacka Doo

Sometimes I wish there were more than just one of me. I have all these ideas of things I want to do but the problem is A: not enough time to do them and 2: I'm kind of lazy. So I need either more time or some extra me's to help. I've looked into the time thing. It's really hard to get around or at least bend the laws of science and nature. It can be done with enough power but that is a whole other problem. Generating energy is simple but extremely laborious and time consuming. I direct you back to point 2 above, I'm lazy and anything laborious and time consuming is pretty much right out.

So how do you make more time with out working at it? First you have to ask this question: Do you want more time or just better use of the available time? I'm not sure how to make more time. Can you insert extra minutes? If so, how many? One new minute per existing five? Sure, that would work. An extra 12 minutes an hour would be great. But that would take some pondering to figure out.

Slowing down time would work only if you didn't slow down with it. If you could work at full speed while the rest of existence passed in half or quarter time. You could get a lot done but only if you can get past the lure of using this power to become a super hero or villain. Guess which one I would choose.

That leaves me with only the option of create more copies of me to get things done. I figure if one lazy me can get some stuff done over time, then a whole bunch should get a lot done. The technology is there to do this. The big problem is I have a suspicion that I'm really not gonna like these guys. I love me, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I would be very fond of another me. And would it be suicide if I killed one of them?

What it all boils down to is that I have a bunch of stuff I want to do and I don't have the time or will to get it done. I just have to get my ass up and get going.

Stings and Gasoline

Well, it’s been several days since we last met. I bet you were all worried. “What happen?” you were saying. “Where is he? I hope he is ok.” I can just see you now, huddled together at the coffee shop. Your rushed whispers passing over the table like the hot winds of the Sahara, swirling the foam on the top of your half-caf non-fat latte. But never you fear my tender lumplings for I am quite fine. Merely busy with the trappings of life.

I must confess I have had some misfortune befall me. Whilst mowing my quite capacious lawn I trod on a nest of despicable little beasts know at the common Eastern Yellowjacket. An especially foul little hornet who felt the need to sting me for disturbing them. You can be assured of there imminent demise. With in hours I will fight them again and, in the words of the Dark Lord himself they “will loose, everything.”

So, other than that nasty business most things have been fine. You find me healthy and mostly happy. I could complain but what good could come of it. Until we meet again…